When entering the alternate reality that is a music festival site, there’s a high possibility that you will eventually stumble upon a variety of people who are, let’s say, unique. No matter what music genre is your flavor of choice, the types of people mentioned on this list are present at just about every major festival. Whether you profoundly hate them or love them for providing you with a new instagram upload, these ‘eccentric’ characters help make up one of the most amazing things festivals have – their community. In an effort to help those of you who need guidance on how to properly identify (and avoid) these various personas, provided with a dash of comedic relief of course, Festival Advisor is proud to present our next installment in the Top 5 series – ‘Annoyances, Oddities & Weirdos’.
5) Juicehead ‘Bros’
Perhaps the biggest population of any others on our list, juicehead “bros” are the ridiculously swollen kids from Long Island, Staten Island, New Jersey or just about any place where mini-malls strictly consist of a tanning salon, an Italian deli stocked with fresh ‘mooutz’ and ‘gabagool’, and of course a GNC/Gym combo. To be fair, not every shirtless roidhead found at music events hail from the Jersey Shore. But for those of them that do, listen up – Stop bellowing ‘RAGE’ or ‘ROLLING FACHE’ every 35 seconds and take your baby sister’s Cinderella binky out of your mouth. You’re only solidifying your reputation as a 23 year old manchild. It’s bad enough these ‘bros’ are either completely oblivious or just don’t care that they annoy everyone within 20 feet of them, but their relentless efforts to showcase the ‘guns’ create a situation in which innocent bystanders can get pummeled with a face full of back sweat from colliding with one of these goons. Yes, I know your biceps are big. Wow you can lift 600 pounds, I’m ecstatic. OH MY GOD BRO, YOU’RE STRAIGHT YOKED. Honestly, no one cares. If Mr.Olympia can somehow manage to squeeze a shirt over his 5 foot wide lats (You know the ‘V’ shape that extends from below your shoulder blades), I am sure you can too.
4) The Lost Guy
Whether it was his fault or not, seeing that one dude walking around aimlessly all day is just downright sad and pathetic. I assume the day started off great for him, but after a few too many beers and a little adventure to everywhere but his desired destination, he’s lost and alone. There’s no hope for him, and everyone who connects with his blank stare knows it. There is almost nothing more creepy than seeing a random person, let’s say with a pale complexion for effect, that’s just standing by himself attempting to appear normal. Everyone knows you’re lost man. Those eyes that keep shooting back at you are not in result of your ‘good’ looks. That girl in front of you isn’t checking you out. It’s more likely that she’s trying to figure out why you are 2 feet away and by yourself. In reality, no one is suffering a bigger inconvenience than that ‘lost’ guy. All we’re saying is if you can’t make friends at a music festival, odds are you deserve to be lost.
3) The Know-It-All Hipster
The only person who could possibly be more annoying than the “juicehead bro” is the super arrogant hipster douche. Typically sporting a combination of women’s black pants and a leather jacket purchased from the Salvation Army or local thrift store, these self proclaimed aficionados take pride in their ability to ID every track played while ranting endlessly about how much the DJ sucked. The level of snobbiness that exudes from these know-it-alls is so overwhelming, most people might mistakenly think that these wannabe Joey Ramones are actually relevant to anything besides their occupation in slam poetry. Yes we know that you listened to Luciano before he blew up. Wow, you only buy vinyls? Tell me more about how you are slowly dying on the inside. Now let me clarify that buying vinyls religiously does not mean you are a loser, especially if you are a real LOVER of music and want to support your favorite artists. The culprits being targeted here are those who started buying records once they figured out it would make them appear to have some fake sense of notoriety. Oh did we mention that they can usually give full length biographies, which are blatantly paraphrased from a Resident Advisor feature, about someone you’ve never heard of. Don’t worry, the know-it-all hipster will be sure to seize this opportunity to let you know about your terrible taste in music until their stupid organic wool beanie falls off. Basically, you suck, know-it-all hipster. Disclaimer – We don’t hate hipsters, we hate the know-it-all kind….there’s a difference right?
2) Creepy Old Guy
There’s definitely something to be said about the growth of ‘EDM’ when senior citizens are witnessed attending a dance music festival. Honestly, it’s actually cool and admirable for the older generation to open up to the new hysteria. This only goes wrong in one instance, and I along with countless others have had a creepy old guy encounter. Just because you’re older, it doesn’t automatically make you a creep for indulging in a music event. To garner such a title requires the person to literally make everyone they cross say to themselves ‘WTF?’ Odds are they smell, teeth are missing, and are constantly offering you an array of psychedelics that provide ample insight into their past 25 years. Clearly there’s people all over that are unfortunately not ‘all there’, but if someone like the creepy old guy has enough competence to knowingly purchase expensive festival passes, all signs point to something really weird going on. You smoked with Bob Dylan and toured with The Rolling Stones? THAT’S SICK YOU TRIPPED WITH JIMMY HENDRIX? But you live underneath the Triboro? No, I’m good on the acid. Thanks though. See where this is going? Heed our warning – never ever start a conversation with the creepy old guy and save yourself a trip down delusions lane.
1) That Dumb F*%^
We could have probably left the picture by itself and genuinely expected the readers to understand who ‘that guy’ is. No one can hate him, (who hasn’t been there?) but absolutely no one can tolerate him. It’s the last person you want to become and unlike the other types, it can happen to anyone at any time. This dumb f**k spent the same amount of money you did to get tickets and he also had a crew of normal friends that accompanied him to the festival. Hell, he probably is a really nice person 9 days out of 10. But for that one miserable day, this usually nice guy transforms into one of the universe’s most hated creatures, a fun sucking demon who requires infinite attending to, someone who’s face matches your best friend’s but is inhabited by an incoherent psycho screaming verbal insults that know no bounds – I think you get it. Aside from the damage he does to his reputation while the ‘lights’ are out (aka everyone who comes into contact with him thinks he’s a fool), there’s also a high possibility of a hospital tent visit or pointless brawls being started over an argument about nothing. It can get really ugly, really fast. Not only does this jerkoff ruin his own festivus occasion, but assuming he has friends that actually care about him, his unlucky friends are screwed too.